louwalsh.com
lou walsh, lcpc
30 n. michigan avenue
suite 1516
chicago, illinois 60602
312.514.5689 louwalsh6@aol.com
Love And Real Estate:
When to Make the Initial Offer
When a man loves a woman, he may sleep out in the rain if she says that’s the way it ought to be, but he probably will have some limits in mind. One reader comments to me: “I knew a woman once that if a man wasn’t ready to commit in 3 months, he was history. Which may be harsh, but it worked for her. And another woman I know, applying that same rule, bought a house with a man within 6 months of meeting him. Which is a little much, but they’re still together after 4 years.”
Regarding the eager historian, demanding a lock-in on love in as little time as Christmas to St. Patrick’s Day seems rigid. It actually speaks more about one woman’s fear of getting to know someone, and having him know her, for in that the possibility of rejection looms large. The biggest paradox about most of us is that we run from love in order to avoid - ready for this? - rejection.
Far trickier is the case of Real Estate Girl. I have never heard of a “Buy-a-home-with-me-or-you’re-gone” rule, although I suppose it would do wonders for the housing industry. I would need a lot more information to judge whether or not this was a good idea, however. On the one hand, it sounds okay if you are confident of his financial picture and have signed contracts with him. If the love goes sour, there may still be some money made together. On the other hand, I wouldn’t enter into a legal agreement with someone until at least six months, after the honeymoon phase is definitely over.
If a man is a scammy charlatan, he generally won’t be able to keep up the responsible facade past six months. But note this caveat, potential buyers: If he has already engaged a feminine energy woman in a physical relationship, he can probably be as crummy as he wants, even before escrow closes.
This is the biggest hazard to feminine energy people. See, most will bond to a man in the course of a romantic association, just like the two little Hydrogens in the water molecule bond with the big Oxygen, thereby allowing Oxygen to be his schmo self, while we Hydrogens put up with his hot air. The chemistry we feel can, unfortunately, spill over into a legal agreement like buying a home. In short, don’t let your judgment be obscured by the physical inspection - of the man, not the house.
A masculine energy, or older woman (most older women become more masculine as the estrogen tap turns off and the progesterone starts to flow), will most likely run her love life through her head rather than her heart. Therefore, practical Zelda will scrutinize the paperwork more carefully than romantic little Priscilla. Thus, she will do a better job of protecting herself, whether or not she and Mr. Coldwell Banker are actively trysting.
The reader continues with these comments: “My husband wanted to go steady within 2 months. Of course, he knew he wanted to marry me on the first date. Maybe your next article should be about men
who are too ready to commit. How not to get freaked out about that. Teach them to take it more slowly.”
Who is to say how soon is too soon? I think there is no such thing as “too ready to commit”. There is certainly a period during which it is too soon to get physical with someone, but it is never to early for someone to invite you to get to know them in a meaningful way.
Many people say they want to be in a relationship, and then rush into the physical aspect of it, unconsciously dooming the affair from the get-go. If the voh-de-oh-dohing commences directly after the how-dee-dos, the door to relating to someone on a deeper level gets shut tight. Knowing someone, and being known by them, are the true hallmarks of the soulmate relationship. Don’t be afraid of getting close. If a freak-out is still necessary, and you took the time to develop a solid foundation, you can do it together.
In addition, there is no need to teach a man who wants to love to ‘go slow’. First, it is not our place to teach men anything. A man who knows what he wants is a formidable thing, and worthy of respect. Second, understand that the scary thought of losing your independence could temporarily cause the dinner, movies and romance that you thought you wanted to suddenly seem unappealing. Hopefully you’ll snap out of it before he gives up on love with you.
In sum, listen carefully to the alarm bells in your head when you hear those words of commitment. Could they actually be the romantic violins you’d been hoping for? The essence of intimacy is understanding, and being understood by, another. This takes time. So don’t rush, because after three months, although a man should have some kind of future plans for you, it isn’t imperative to see the blueprints yet.
