lou walsh, lcpc

30 n. michigan avenue

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chicago, illinois 60602

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Nancy Drew and the Case of the Man Who Came

to Dinner and then Never called Again

It is an unnerving blow to the ego to never receive that follow-up call after a particularly good date.  Unfortunately, it is also a fact of life.  In fact, great debates ensue among women over whether or not they should call back first.  And although it sounds Victorian to say “No”, that, unfortunately, is the correct answer for feminine energy people, for three reasons.

First, let’s define “Never”.  If it hasn’t been longer than eight weeks, we need to be patient.  Sometimes men take that long to figure out they want to spend more time with you and how they feel about you.  So, write his name on your calendar on the date you first went out and see how long it takes.  If he doesn’t call back within two months, he ‘s not interested.

Men and women approach dates differently.  We women, because we think and feel at the same time, can enjoy ourselves at dinner while planning an elaborate future with a man that includes marriage, babies, matching bathrobes at the Ritz, whatever.  We’re living in the moment, in our own way, which basically means that while ordering dessert, we’re also planning that timeshare we’ll soon buy together.

Men, meanwhile, are linearly collecting data on one of three fronts.  First, will they get sex?  Second, are they having a good time?  And third, could they be talking to a potential mate?

We feminine energy people must grimly acknowledge that many men want to find the right partner and settle down, as long as it doesn’t last more than 8-10 hours.  Sometimes their assertiveness seems like masculinity, because they are on a deadline and therefore must make a move within hours of the first breadstick.  And we interpret this aggressive behavior as being decisive and manly, when actually it’s just him checking out how easy you are.  So, if that’s all he desires, and you aren’t available in short order, he’ll be gone soon (within three dates, usually).

This next part comes under the heading of “Something You Don’t Know Already.”

Guy #2 is an enigma to many women.  He is the man who simply wants to look at someone attractive while he’s out and about.  He doesn’t want anything more than light conversation and a little fun getting to know you.  He doesn’t want to take advantage of you, but he doesn’t want to get involved, either.  He thinks you are pleasant and that is it.  He is an endless puzzle to women because we don’t get the point of dating without purpose.

Guy #3 is another fascination, a man that many women may swear does not exist; he is a man who is actually listening to you.  I am not kidding; they do this, at least before marriage.  In fact, if this guy didn’t exist, no one would ever get married.  He is sincerely interested in gathering information on you.  In short, ladies, you are getting interviewed.  That is why it is imperative to be prepared for and to recognize The Interview when it happens.

Guy #3 knows what he wants, including the career he wants to have, the life he wants to lead, the kind of woman he wants to marry, how many kids should be involved, etc.  And when he sees what he wants, namely the best woman he can find, he goes for it.

He wants you to fit into that ideal lifestyle, and so he will ask you the “buying” questions.  It could be anything, from “Do you have any allergies to foreign foods?” (He could be an entomologist who plans to relocate to the Amazon) to “Do you enjoy solitude?” (possible future lighthouse keeper).  A question may be patently obvious like “Do you like to cook?” (Translation:  “Because I like to eat”).

So, now you realize that if he wants to investigate you during the date, there will be questions involved.  The problem now is, how do you prepare for The Interview?

Ladies, there is only one way to get ready:  Be clear with yourself about what you want.  Coyness doesn’t work with someone who is using logic rather than emotion to pursue you.  If you seem to not know what you do or don’t want, this suggests you’re not ready for commitment.

If the questions throw you at first, remember feminine energy people do best knowing what they don’t want.  If you’re clear you don’t want to be the spouse of a druglord and he wants to know if you’re comfortable with two 300-pound goons following you everywhere, it is best to be truthful up front.  Chemistry can only go so far if you lack compatibility.

“Getting to I Do” by Patricia Allen is a source for this article.  You can check out her work at drpatallen.com